keine schönheit ohne gefahr

'cos it sucks it sucks it sucks it sucks
& I will I will I will I will
forget my dreams and tell my heart and soul to SHUT UP!

or I put them on a ship & sail away with them,
out of harm's way, out of danger, out of the frying pan,
leaving reality out of the question.

all over the sea our footprints leave us wet
& clothes stick to our thighs
& we talk in other languages,
saying all the things we can't say
because of fear,
doubt,
more fear
& a bit more fear.

the list goes on & on,
too big to shove inside a bottle & fling out to sea
& still I ask “who am I communicating this to?”
hiding again in stupid, stupid houses with no ears & no blankets

if life is danger, will we ever find a way
through the field of thorns?
will we forget how to bleed profusely
from the souls of our feet?

I want me & I want me to be enough for me
& I want to stop wanting you & I want to stop wanting you to want me.
maybe I could write you away with a million words,
but you are so easy to scare, who live in fear,
a little anemone, curling out of existence at the smallest brush with danger
or beauty.

I sit in the moon & watch
my guts twist with the confusion of it all.
I try to escape into steaming pots of hot chocolate
but there it is also too thick & hot for me.

so here I am again,
on the hill in the howling wind,
uncomfortable & alive,
alive & uncomfortable,
praying for an ending,
for the rain to come & clean my soul
& still wanting not to want
your hand in mine.